Comedy and Humour
If anyone finds these jokes of bad taste, sad or offensive, don't blame me. I take no responsibility ..... I just put em here :-) I'll try to keep it clean :-) (and funny!)

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Back in the olden days, a man was travelling by foot through Switzerland. Nightfall was approaching, and the man had no where to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. So the man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter (you knew this was coming?) came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?

"That's some fellow just travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Um, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went to the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. An hour later she returned. Her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She didn't return for over an hour, and when she did, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm and walked toward the mountain. A while later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She went to her father and said "Where's the man from the barn?"

Father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good-bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran into the yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter." The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,.......

ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO..

Listen To this!

This guy is having a real shit of a time getting his Rheem Hot Water Service Fixed!

 

- No one understands me. -What do you mean by that.

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION - IRELAND

EXAMINATION PAPER - 1970

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Time Allowed: Seven Weeks

One extra week allowed for the reading of this paper.

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Answer any two questions 2. Each question is worth 50 marks 3. Where appropriate, answers should be illustrated with carefully labelled diagrams.

Q1. Who won World War One ?

Q2. Who came second ?

Q3. What is the silver dollar made of ?

Q4. Explain Einsteins' Theory of Hydrodynamics OR print your name in block letters.

Q5. Spell the following (a) Dog (b) Cat (c) Potato

Q6. What time is 'News at Ten' on ?

Q7. Approximately how many commandments was Moses given ?

Q8. There have been six Kings of England named George, the latest being George VI. Name the other five ?

Q9. Write down the numbers from 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number out of sequence).

Q10. Who built Stephensons' Rocket ?

Q11. What musical instrument does Phil the Fluter play ?

Q12. Of what country is Dublin the capital ? (Candidates must not write on more the TWO sides of the paper).

Q13. Do you understand Newtons Law of Gravity ? (Answer YES or NO).

Q14. Spot the deliberate mistake: "An apple a day gathers no moss."

Q15. Name the odd man out in the following:- Cardinal Heeman, The Pope, Jack the Ripper Archbishop of Canterbury, Father O,Brien.

Q16. Spot the off man out:- Seamus O'Toole, Sean O'Flaherty, Mahatma Ghandi Paddy Murphy, Michael O'Ryan.

Q17. Is a "Dunker" : (a) A person who dips biscuits in tea ? (b) A contraceptive ? (c) A lorry for motorway construction ?

Q18. Name the winning jockey of the 1979 Greyhound Derby ?

Q19. In the 1973 Sheepdog Trials, how many were found guilty ?

 

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Patient : Doctor help me! Everyone thinks I'm a liar. ......
Doctor : I don't Believe You.

BP's Price Rise Apology

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

Did you hear about the blonde who spent 5 days studying for a urine test ?

Q. Did you hear about the Mexico City Earthquake?
A. It did a $100 million worth of improvements !

Ronald and Nancy Reagan were in a restaurant for dinner. The waiter approached Nancy to take her order. "I'll have the fish thanks, on a bed of steamed rice with a white wine sauce." "And the vegetable?" asked the waiter. "He'll have the same." came the reply.

A husband came home early from work unexpectedly one day, only to find his wife in bed with another man." What are you doing??!!" he screamed." See," said his wife, "I told you he was stupid!"

Gotta love that George W. Bush !            

 

 I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Heard about the Irish fish ? It drowned !

Q. How do you say `FUCK YOU' in Jewish ? -
A. `Trust Me'

Q. What does Jack the Ripper and Kermitt the Frog have in common ?
A. Their middle name !

Q.How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald?
A.He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

Q. Why couldn't Frankenstein have any children?
A. His nuts were on his neck.

Patrick : What's Mick's surname ?
Paddy : Mick Who ?

Q. How can you pick an Irish Pirate ?
A. He wears a patch on both eyes ?

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.

Well, thought the man, might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who this time was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought that this was getting better the farther he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty -- slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting and being a gambling man, he decided to keep climbing. When he reached the next cloud, there was an overly ugly 400-pound man,

"Who are you?" the climber asked.
"Hi, "I'm Cess."